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Blog Title Card

Friday, January 21, 2011

Op Ed: Sugar & Spice...

Spirred on by Gumball's wonderful Op Ed, my good friend Satchmo from the Norfolk docks decided to share his two cents, with a little help from his brother (?) and eternal comrade named Petros, but his friends affectionately call him Tonk.

For those of you unfamiliar, Satchmo typically documents nearly everything that goes on around him, for what he claims will become his memoirs.  He's got literally stacks and stacks of the stuff, and it's interesting/exhausting to review.

Anyway, he insists on writing in his accustomed style no matter if it's his memoirs or an e-mail or a grocery list.  Give it a try, it's sure to grow on you.

Hello!  It’s Satchmo talking to you from my trusty Smith 8-10.  For many years me and Tonk have been fending for ourselves as vagrants and you tend to pick up a few skills as you go.  Today I’m gong to tell you how to get yourself some hot pecan pie!
    I have a bit of an advantage here as Tonk has been recognized as a Grade-A pie-snatcher in the tri-country area but I hope you still learn something from him that you can apply in your own ventures.  
“Yes, Hello Tonk, hello Reginold.”
Reginold is a little knick-knack that Tonk carries around, a mess of fence wire and twine he calls a rabbit.
“I’ll tell you what it is!  Now stop reading over my shoulder, it makes me nervous!”
Sorry for the interruption.  About pie-snatching, the secret to Tonk’s success is that he can smell a pie cooling on a windowsill from a mile away.  When he smells some pie he’ll shout “OH BOY!” and that’s my signal to grab him by the scruff of his neck to keep him from getting run over as he leads me to the pie.  He’s pretty single minded when he’s on the scent (not that he’s very many minded most other times) so keeping him out of harm is a big challenge.
    Locating the pie is the easy part.  It’s so temping to dash and grab that hot pecan pie off the windowsill and take off!  But that’s the sign of amateurs itching to get shot full of buckshot.  The true pie maestro will distract the pie owner so that an associate can take off with the pie safely.  
Tonk will hide in the bushes while I ring the doorbell and engage the man-of-the-house.  My go-to distraction is as a travelling salesman.  I doff my hat and give my best pitch.  Unwanted items you acquire at the hobo swap make great fodder for this.  The goal isn’t to make a sale but to distract the man long enough for the associate to abscond with the pie and take off!  Tonk will tweet like a red-bellied woodpecker and that’s when I know its time to excuse myself and scram!  
“That detail’s not important!  Now stop interrupting!”
If everything went well you will be well out of site before the absent pie is noticed.  Now your biggest challenge is how to enjoy that hot pecan pie!

You've given us a lot to think about, boys.

In solidarity,

Train Tom