Buffet Train!

For those of you who still keep some spending money on your hands, I encourage you to greet the gradually warming weather and treat yourself to a Sunday lunch buffet tomorrow at a local eatery.  I know, this kind of goes against the 'live off the land' mentality we vagrants strive to hard to foster, but it's nice to get a taste of the carpet-walker's life from time to time.

Tomorrow there will be thirteen of us vagrants running a train on a buffet in Rockford.  We've saved up all month long, and are really going  to let loose!

Here are some tips we've compiled in planning the event:

1.)Be selective!  Choose the right buffet if there are several within walking distance.  Keep an eye on price and food offered.  One of the most important things to remember when spending hard-earned monies on a buffet is CALORIE INTAKE.  You need to use the precious time spent at the buffet to engorge yourself on as many calorie-heavy foods as possible.  We'll get to that more in a minute.  But the point is, do your research.  There is a big difference in selection at a Sunday-only Chinese buffet than a 7-day establishment.  American buffets often provide a heavy selection, but tend to be a few dollars more.  Avoid Mexican, Indian and Greek buffets altogether if you are looking to really load up on calories.  Also, try to find a buffet where you can get your own drinks (limited wait staff) to help avoid raising flags as to 'staying too long'.

2.)Sit and stay!  Proprietors will be looking to move you along as fast as they can (the longer you stay, the more it costs them), but there are strategies that can be used to extend your stay.  Be wary of establishments that shoo out diners between breakfast and lunch, or between lunch and dinner.  I once spent a full thirteen hours at a buffet before finally being escorted out.

3.)Go when it's busy!  As stated in #2, many establishments really frown on diners staying for more than a few hours.  Many "mom & pop" style places, where the owner is on site, will actually keep watch for people who look like they are looking to park there for the day.  It's easier to keep a low profile if you go during a rush, and Sundays work especially well because they are usually filled with the 'after church' crowd for most of the morning into the late afternoon.  Change tables every hour or so to avoid suspician on part of the wait staff.

4.)Load up on calories!  While most of America is watching their waist-lines, us vagrants are coming out of a long winter and likely haven't had a square meal in a while.  Paying $5 or $6 dollars for a buffet means we have to make the most of our money, and that means calorie-loading.
Here are some of my suggestions on that front:
* Pile on deep fat fried foods.  Fried chicken, fried meats, french fries, chicken nuggets, et al.  Don't dip it in ketchup...dip it in a calorie-rich slurry.  I like to take mashed potatoes, gravy, sour cream (equal parts with the mashed potatoes), three or four butter packets, grated cheese from the salad bar, mac & cheese and ranch dressing.  Mix the slurry up and dip your chicken nuggets, fried chicken and whatever else.  Yum!
* Avoid vegetables.  We vagrants eat more vegetables than the average American on a daily basis, due to their potability in cans.  At the buffet, steer clear!  Only hit the buffet table for dressings, mayonnaise-based salads (krab salad, tuna salad, etc) and cheeses.
* Slather.  Find the most calorie-rich dressing (sour cream or ranch dressing usually works well, blue cheese dressing even better!) and douse everything in it.  Sop up the empty plate with buns stuffed with butter packets.
* Go easy on the beverages.  Sure, they add some sugar and calories to the mix, but a cup full of fried chicken skin and mac & cheese beats a cup of Fresca any day.

5.)Don't be bashful about take-outs!  I know, I know, it's a social faux pas to take home a "doggie bag" from a buffet.  Hey, I'll leave that up to you--but consider this: Anything left on my plate is going in the garbage anyway, and it breaks my heart to see all those calories go to such waste.  Imagine how much they throw away over the course of a day, week, month, year!  I think they can part with some stray items going to good use.  Anyway, be coy about it.  Fill up your bags, pockets, shirts, hats and so forth when no one is looking.  We don't want to cause a scene.  I like to fill my clothes with chicken skin...not only does it form-fit and pack a great caloric punch, but my clothes smell heavenly afterwards!

Remember, don't abuse the buffet--I make it a once-a-year, mid-March ritual.  It takes a little away from the spirit of vagrancy, but when used sparingly it can give you a great pre-spring jolt!

In solidarity,

Train Tom

A Warm Place to Stay

Just a quick update on my winter lodging situation.  A few weeks ago I came across a Steam Man named Len fishing in the Donner Street sewer and asked to sit with him a while.  After a friendly conversation (and a thorough vetting), he invited me to stay the night at his industrial home--an old, abandoned factory, office and warehouse facility on 8th and Glenny once called "Cunningham Materials".  I guess they used to manufacture custom metal shelving units.

There are eight Steam Men in the group: Len, Matchsticks, Steam Kyle, Ratchet, Marbles, Tummy, Steam Bud and Sweat Nuts.  They call themselves Clear River Steamers.  I explained my dire situation--the fact that my home had been under the bridge but it's just too cold to stay there, and my medical condition makes me immobile at the moment.

Thankfully, they took pity on me and took me in.  Not as an official member, by any means, but as a semi-permanent guest until spring.  I have some extra dues that are expected of me to stay there, but the warm lodging, safety, companionship and social gravitas offered by the other men are well work the extra expenditures.  I could have found a way to survive the winter on my own, I am sure, but a warm, safe place to stay and a relatively friendly group will sure make the season easier to bear.

The stereotype about Steam men is that they enjoy tinkering with the abandoned equipment and other supplies harvested from their industrial settings.  That's obviously not true for everybody, but this group has done some interesting things with the leftover Cunningham Materials machinery.  Steam Bud is going to have me assist him in converting an old hydraulic press into a way to make soap.  Matchsticks found a big stack of damaged screen doors and has been repairing them for some reason, and Sweat Nuts is convinced he can get an enormous old backup generator up and running again.

Should be an interesting winter, will keep you updated!

In solidarity,

Shoes

I want to talk about a very serious issue for a moment today, and that is proper feet attire as these cold months set upon us.  It's not even December yet and already I am sick of being chilled.  Most vagrants tend to head south, but with my leg problems I am going to just need to buckle down this winter and bear through it.  I know many of the rest of you are in a similar spot, and we all need to remind ourselves from time to time to be careful, be smart, and respect Old Man Winter and his unforgiving ways.

I've heard that a significant portion of heat is lost through the head, and that's why head coverings are so important.  Equally as important--no, make that MORE important--is the foot coverings we wear.  Our feet, unlike our heads, are constantly touching the earth.  Heat can get sucked out from a warm foot very easily when walking on a cold road or sitting somewhere with no fire.  Heed my words, friends, let's keep our feet warm and ourselves healthy this winter!

Usually around this time of year, in cold weather areas at least, it becomes very difficult to find warm shoes at the local Goodwill and Salvation Army stores.  There's just too high a demand for them.  If your current pair of shoes aren't up to par, consider tarring them to add to the insulation.

TIP: Tarring up a pair of old shoes
All you really need is a hot and steady heat source and a bucket of old tar.  I prefer to coat the with a paint brush, focusing on the worn or holey areas, instead of the "dip" method.  But do whatever works for you.  Just make sure to get a nice seal and an even coat.  And unless the soles of the shoes are in bad shape, try to avoid getting any tar on the bottoms (another reason I don't like the "dip" method).  You'll never get a completely flat surface on the bottom, and it will cause you to walk funny.  At the very least this is going to fatigue you, and at worst you could trip on your own shoe-tar and hurt yourself.

Also, make sure you're not wearing the shoes when you apply the hot tar.  Allow them to cool completely before putting them back on.  For very rough pairs it might take multiple coats.

Stay warm, friends.  It's getting cold out there.

In solidarity,

Train Tom