Op Ed: Sugar & Spice...

Spirred on by Gumball's wonderful Op Ed, my good friend Satchmo from the Norfolk docks decided to share his two cents, with a little help from his brother (?) and eternal comrade named Petros, but his friends affectionately call him Tonk.

For those of you unfamiliar, Satchmo typically documents nearly everything that goes on around him, for what he claims will become his memoirs.  He's got literally stacks and stacks of the stuff, and it's interesting/exhausting to review.

Anyway, he insists on writing in his accustomed style no matter if it's his memoirs or an e-mail or a grocery list.  Give it a try, it's sure to grow on you.

Hello!  It’s Satchmo talking to you from my trusty Smith 8-10.  For many years me and Tonk have been fending for ourselves as vagrants and you tend to pick up a few skills as you go.  Today I’m gong to tell you how to get yourself some hot pecan pie!

    I have a bit of an advantage here as Tonk has been recognized as a Grade-A pie-snatcher in the tri-country area but I hope you still learn something from him that you can apply in your own ventures.  

“HELLO SATCHMO, REGINOLD SAYS HI TOO!”

“Yes, Hello Tonk, hello Reginold.”

Reginold is a little knick-knack that Tonk carries around, a mess of fence wire and twine he calls a rabbit.

“IT’S FLUFFY FUR!”

“I’ll tell you what it is!  Now stop reading over my shoulder, it makes me nervous!”

Sorry for the interruption.  About pie-snatching, the secret to Tonk’s success is that he can smell a pie cooling on a windowsill from a mile away.  When he smells some pie he’ll shout “OH BOY!” and that’s my signal to grab him by the scruff of his neck to keep him from getting run over as he leads me to the pie.  He’s pretty single minded when he’s on the scent (not that he’s very many minded most other times) so keeping him out of harm is a big challenge.

    Locating the pie is the easy part.  It’s so temping to dash and grab that hot pecan pie off the windowsill and take off!  But that’s the sign of amateurs itching to get shot full of buckshot.  The true pie maestro will distract the pie owner so that an associate can take off with the pie safely.  

Tonk will hide in the bushes while I ring the doorbell and engage the man-of-the-house.  My go-to distraction is as a travelling salesman.  I doff my hat and give my best pitch.  Unwanted items you acquire at the hobo swap make great fodder for this.  The goal isn’t to make a sale but to distract the man long enough for the associate to abscond with the pie and take off!  Tonk will tweet like a red-bellied woodpecker and that’s when I know its time to excuse myself and scram!  

“SOMETIMES IT’S A YELLOW-BILLED CUCKOO!”

“That detail’s not important!  Now stop interrupting!”

If everything went well you will be well out of site before the absent pie is noticed.  Now your biggest challenge is how to enjoy that hot pecan pie!

You've given us a lot to think about, boys.

In solidarity,

Train Tom

QOTW: No one rides free?

NOTE: This post contains some adult language, please distribute only to appropriate parties.

 I open the Mail Bag, and what do I seek?  Here in my right hand, the Question of the Week!

Next time it may be, your question to Tom.  Email it, TrainTomOtt@Gmail.com!

Do you really suck dick for rides?

- Lonny M., No city listed

Some of you may expect me to take offense for such a brash question, but this is something I have actually been asked a lot in conversation with non-vagrants and in the mailbag.  Best to address it concretely, once and for all.

Generally, modern vagrants do not panhandle nor hitchhike.  We've discussed before the difference between a legitimate homeless person and a vagrant, and we should add to that differentiation those desperate to travel for one reason or another.  Some people need to travel across the country to visit a sick relative, or run away from something, or in search of a better lifestyle.  These sorts usually adhere to one or both of the following: They are traveling to a specific place and/or they in a hurry to get there.

If we're going to nit-pick, we could say that one or both of these could also apply to a modern transient from time to time, but it generally does not define them.  A transient may be headed specifically to Florida for the winter, for example, or are in a hurry to get to a certain city to find seasonal work.  But in general, their lifestyle isn't defined by frantic, specific purpose-driven relocation.  Transients are more often than not wanderers, moving from place to play in a leisurely manner, not after some specific "final destination" (Shangri-La) to settle in.

The majority of travel in my life as a tried-and-true transient has been by foot, by train, by donkey, by bicycle or by the back of a pickup truck.  Very seldom will I ride in a car seat, and I can say with a reasonable amount of certainty that this is the case for nearly all modern vagrants.

There are times where hitch-hiking is essential...if you do need to get out of a certain area quickly, if the weather is turning bad and you have no accommodations, so on and so forth.  For these sorts of reasons, yes, a transient will occasionally travel by vehicle.

More often than not, no matter what your movie-pictures say, there is no exchange of goods or services for the ride.  The friendly driver simply wants to help someone out.  Other times the vagrant may be expected (or willingly give some sort of monetary compensation for the fuel used.

I'm going going to flat-out say that sexual favors are never exchanged for such a service, but I do want to dispel the myth that this is any sort of common form of payment for a modern vagrant.  I cannot say what the case is for other hitch-hikers with other motives, all I can speak for is my own experience and the experience of those I am close to.

This is especially the case in the day of HIV, AIDS and other common forms of sexually-transmitted diseases.  I can say with a level of certainty that there is VERY seldom any penetrative act given in exchange for a ride, although other forms of non-penetrative sexual relief such as a "four mile handshake" may or may not be common in rural areas where non-automotive travel is restricted.

In short, friends, be safe and don't allow yourself to get into positions where you feel uncomfortable or unnecessarily vulnerable.

In solidarity,

Train Tom